I did not dream far enough

Ten years ago, during the summer vacations, my young daughters and I went to visit my mother in Europe. One evening, my mother was going through old pictures of my siblings and myself. She was showing them to my two eight years old daughters. “Is that mom? Aww”. I could hear them laughing, talking and giggling. My daughters love painting and drawing like me when I was younger. “Look girls!, said my mother pointing at one of the picture, this is your mom’s paintings on that wall. She did them when she was a teen!”. “Mom you were so talented!”. My mother smiled and said, “I think I still have them”.

We went to the small storage room, where she kept all my siblings’ and my belongings. There were many shelves filled with our books and big boxes with our names on them. I was the oldest so my boxes were all in the very bottom. We had to move all my siblings’ boxes to get to mine. We carried them in the hallway. I opened them. I was astonished, my mother kept everything: my journals, my writings, my poems, my drawings, my paintings, my clay statues, letters from my friends, my stamp and rock collections… I started a time travel odyssey, that made me feel like Ebenezer Scrooge in Christmas Carol. I laughed a lot, and sometimes got teary at some of my journal entries.

That year, I was 43, I was depressed, I was lost professionally, and my marriage was falling apart. I was just doing my best to survive my unhappiness for the sake of my kids. I did not know what to do with my life. I was a total mess. And that trip back home was part of my own therapy. Visiting my family and seeing my mother has always been very healing, and reminded me of who I am. The only place where I can feel safe and reset my life. But that year was tougher for me, maybe that was the infamous “middle age” crisis phase. I did not know where to start, so many worries crawling through my brain, I was so unhappy. Little did I know that summer will be very special.

While going through my childhood treasure I reconnected with my younger self. My younger self knew exactly what she wanted, she would worked hard to get it. There wasn’t anything she could not do. While strolling through my past, I found a small tiny note book covered with a blue fabric with beautiful Chinese paintings. I remembered that this note book was a birthday gift from my pen pal from Singapore. My family could not afford to travel around the world, and I loved discovering new cultures. I wanted to learn every languages that existed in the world, so I managed to get several pen pals from several countries.

I opened the note book, and on the first page I had written: My favorite quotes and my thoughts-1980. There were many quotes from famous people such as Socrates, Confucius, Hemingway and even few from… James Dean. There were many from me including this one that surprised me and made me a bit sad: “I don’t want to grew up, I refuse to become an adult. When we grew up, we become cowards, and fearful”. “I guess I have become an adult then” That was exactly how I have been feeling for the last five years.

My daughters were admiring my stamps and rock collections. Then one of them found a painted wooden box with a small circular hole in the middle. “Is that a bird house?” They started shaking it and it seemed that there was something inside. “Oh, wow, you kept that? I asked my mother. That box used to be an old speaker that my father was about to throw away, but I kept it, removed the speaker and painted it. I turned it into my wish and secret box. I would threw inside letters, small precious objects, jewelry, rocks, etc… With their little hands my daughters fished out all my little treasure. They found an engraved rock with my best friend name and mine on it and written “friends forever”, few quartz, mica, and feldspar rocks that I picked up from geology field trips we went to in 5th grade. They also retrieved, dried chamomile flowers, a leather necklace with turquoise beads and copper bracelets (these were suppose to bring luck and keep you healthy). But, the most interesting find, was a tiny paper folded into a half an inch piece.

I unfolded the small piece of paper started reading it. I was stunned! It was a list. A list of dreams and goals my younger self wanted to achieve in the future: 1) become a scientist, 2) be an astronaut 3) go to other countries learn languages 3)Help poor people and children 4) live in the USA. That small message from the past felt like someone opened the curtains inside my brain to let the sunrays in. I read the list again and suddenly realized that I could put a check mark in front of all the numbers on this list except for becoming an astronaut. I became a scientist, I studied, worked in several countries, learned several languages, I left Europe and started a family in the USA and I have been working as a volunteer at a shelter for many years. I could not believe it. I wrote this when I was in 6th grade. I also realized that these dreams were what kept me going all along. I grew up in a modest middle class family and I was the first in my family to go to college. I worked hard At that moment, it all became clear to me. The reason I have been so depressed, and felt lost, is because I had already fulfilled my dreams. I was too young to think farther than that. I did not dream far enough back then. I never thought about having a family or children and what to do next. I suddenly had my Epiphany. My only way to be happy and hopeful again is to find new dreams to pursue.

It has been ten years now, since I discovered this tiny piece of paper. I tried to find new dreams to pursue, but I had no luck on this. Unfortunately, I have forgotten how to dream and when you enter adulthood reality hits you hard. However, In my quest for a new dream, I understood that I changed a lot. The only side of me I have known perfectly was the twelve years old me. I have been twelve my whole life. I never wanted to let myself grow up, I clung onto the my younger self for too long. She was the version of me I loved the most. She was intelligent, strong, confident, and she was loved by everyone. Nothing could stop her. But who and what am I now? I realized that I could not find anything to say about the adult me. That was a revelation: I do not know myself, I do not know who I am, what I want, what I like. So, I selfishly spent my last ten years searching for myself, understanding who I am, and what kind of person I want to be, not to become. It took me a decade of self introspection to finally find some kind of peace in life. I was living too fast, always unsure that I did the right thing yesterday, always scared and worrying that my present will wrongly impact tomorrow.

I was wrong all along, I have never spent enough time in the present, with myself or my family. I have always been running after tomorrow, running away from myself. Being an adult is living the present fully, enjoying these little moments with our children, partners, family and friends. In adulthood, the present is more important. I really believe the present is the moment of happiness, not yesterday not tomorrow. Dreams can drive us to move forward but they can also blind us from seeing the joy and the happiness of the moment we are leaving, and sometimes make us miss great opportunities that fall in our present life path. Dreams are important but it is okay to change goals to fit the person we are. My happiest and most successful friends are not the one who had a dream, but those who were actors of their life in the present and lived their life one day at a time.

I am certainly, thankful for my younger self for giving me a star to follow. Those dreams kept me going until I achieved them by the time I reached thirty. I did not dream farther than that, but I was only twelve when I wrote that list. I am so happy I found my childhood wish list, at that specific time of my life. It felt almost like my past helped me heal. Now in my fifties, I try to avoid thinking too much about tomorrow, I just hope it will be a good day. I finally, started living the present day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Carpe Diem.